I pray...

I have been doing a LOT of thinking these past few days, weeks, months, and I have realized a few things.

I'm not going to go into all the details, but I will say that I have been tested and tried and I feel like I failed AGAIN.

I have not been the best person for the last little while, and I have been thinking about and working on changing some things in my life.

The people who know me know that I was raised in the Church of Christ.
Some of the people that know me also know that I quit going to church on a regular basis about ten or eleven years ago.
A lot of this goes back to me never feeling at home (except with a few very special people) within the youth group.
My parents, even though we have not always gotten along or agreed on a lot of things, quit pushing me to go to church when they saw how hard I tried to fit in, and how sad I would get when I wasn't accepted.
Sure I had acquaintances in the youth group, and we had a GREAT youth minister, but for me and my shyness it was always so hard for me to fit into a group.

I know that some of the people who made me feel this way didn't mean to hurt my feelings, and I understand that during junior high and high school, it was hard enough to find true friends.
There were people that openly shunned me because of my appearance, or because my parents weren't loaded, or even because my parents didn't go to church for the social calling that seems to go on in any church.

For a long long time, I questioned my faith.
I have been back and forth with my thoughts and feelings, wondering if there is a God, and if there is, why would I be going through all these hard times?
Then, once I started working on accepting myself, and realizing that I didn't have to be accepted by anyone else, I came to the conclusion that, "Yes, there is a God, and yes, He may give me struggles, but He loves me, and I was put on this earth for a reason that even I may never figure out."

I've come to other conclusions about heaven and hell, but won't get into them too much right now. You want to know my thoughts on that, please feel free to email me, or send me a message if you're on my Facebook or Myspace friends.


There are still quite a few things I am struggling with in my life, and I know that while these things take time to fix, I sometimes get frustrated or anxious that things are not being solved sooner rather than later.
Sometimes I find myself looking for an easy way out, but then I think back to something that has been said to me for many years...."The easy way is not always the best way, and sometimes the hard way reaps the most benefits" (in more words or less....)

I have also been doing a lot of prayer and self reflection lately.

I pray for my family.
I pray for my close friends.
I pray for that special person that I love so much.
I pray for the country, and the world....Not so much for world peace, but more like world tolerance, if you will.

Lately though, I have been doing a lot more praying for me.
It may sound selfish, but I have been neglecting myself for a long time, and putting other people first, and I feel that it is time for me to ask God for his help, vision and light in my life.
I have also been praying for a certain person. That this person will find peace in the wrongs and hurts of the past, and for this person to maybe realize how much I do love them.
Some of my prayers, if people were to hear them, could be misconstrued as selfish requests. A few of them might even be, but I find myself asking Him to help me with my requests IF it is in His plan for my life. I understand that what I am asking for may not be in the plan for my life, and while it is hard to deal with, I must deal with it and move on.



I don't know what's going to happen for the next little while.
I'm trying to get through each day as it comes. I'm trying to be more patient and learn more patience at the same time.
I'm trying to work my tail off and make a life for myself.
I'm trying to deal with things that have happened both in the past, and recently and learn from them.

All I ask from my friends and family at this time, is to not judge me or anyone else involved, to just offer a listening ear, and to try to refrain from the "I told you so's" that sometimes pop up.
I ask that my friends and family pray that everything works out according to God's plan, not the specifics that they 'wish' I would do, or what they wish to work out for me or anyone else.
Pray that there is peace to be found, for me (as well as someone else) and that I (we) learn what we can from all these experiences.



The next few weeks or so might be filled with more posts like this.
All I ask is, that if you read this and think about it, and would like to offer your thoughts or prayers, please feel free to email me or send me a message.


By the way...
If anyone knows of a small bible study group in the Lewisville area that meets in the mornings before 10am, please let me know.
I may not be totally ready to fully get back into attending church again, but I think a small bible study group is a good small comfortable start.