The Price of Pain

The price of pain is equal to a little more than $500.
But first, a little back story....

The first of the year started out great. Money was tight, but I used some of my Christmas money from my Aunt Joyce, and started up a gym membership.

I did really good for a few months, lost 20 pounds, was feeling better, eating better, and really looking forward to losing more weight, and getting some really cute clothes.
My knees were still hurting now and then, but even that was getting better as the pounds came off.

Then April hit, and my hours got cut at work....

I was stressed out, tired from getting used to a new schedule, and just couldn't make myself go to the gym, even though I was still paying for it.

I called to cancel my gym membership, because after working out finances, I felt that at the time, it just didn't fit into my budget.
I figured, losing $60 a week in pay, I couldn't afford $26 a month right then.
24 Hour Fitness put my membership on hold for three months, and told me that if I really wanted to cancel, to call them ten days before August 9th and let them know.

Well, the past few months have been really screwy with finances and stuff, and I had been applying for part time jobs as soon as I found out my hours were being reduced.

I finally got a part time job, about 3 weeks after my hours were cut, and for the first few weeks working there, it was GREAT! I was making some extra money to help cover what I'd lost, and I was learning something new, and then once my training was over, hours kinda fell off to about 8 hours a week.

I was available to work there six days a week, and some weeks I was lucky to get even 4 hours.

Then we got word at my full time job, that our hours were going to go back up to 40 a week. I'm sure with the constant open bitching about our hours, and being sent home early so many times had something to do with it...That and the amount of stuff that wasn't getting done anyway, so a co-worker and I were chosen to play catch up.

I let my manager know about this at my part time job, that I was going to be going back to full time, but I did let her know that I would still be available two days a week to work.

Well, since then, my hours at my part time job have dropped off totally.
They never call me, and I have kinda given up calling them, partly because I know it's so slow, and partly because I wonder if it's their passive agressive way of letting me know that I wasn't needed at all.

Well, a few months ago, back in mid April I got bronchitis, and while I was sick and missed two days of work because I couldn't breathe or hardly talk, I was happy to find that I was still down the 20 pounds that I'd lost.

Fast forward to last week, and I go back to the doctor for folliculitis and an ear infection, and I find that I had gained that 20 pounds back.

I almost cried right there in the doctor's office!

So I got to thinking....I know I've fallen off the wagon, and I really really want to get my gym membership back, because I want that weight gone again, and I want my knees to stop screaming at me, I want my second chin gone, I want smaller, cuter clothes etc etc etc.

So right then and there, I decided, no matter what, I've go to get my gym membership going again!

Well, last night I was sitting here at the computer paying bills, and going over finances, and I realized that when I paid the electric bill in June, part of the money didn't get credited to that account, so I wrote myself a note to call them as soon as I possibly could in the next day or so.

Then I got to looking at the bank account again, and I began to notice that there were a LOT of charges on my account for the local QT right up the road from me.
I dug a little deeper, and got to thinking....
"If I had the money to go to the QT every day for a soda and a snack or smokes, why can't I afford the gym??"

As I was looking, I counted up every transaction that I could specifically remember was for junk and smokes, and didn't apply to groceries or gas or bills.
Well, for this month, from yesterday 7/21 back to 7/1, I had spent over $250 on cigarettes and sodas and food, and even a few times that Wyatt and I had gone out to eat.
Then I looked at June...
This total was about $233...

I was completely FLOORED, ASHAMED, and ANGRY at myself!!!

What the hell was I thinking?
There went my hard earned money to crap I don't need.
Here came those hard lost pounds creeping back to me.
Here came those screaming knees, aching hips, and that damn double chin again.

I am still so very angry at myself, and ashamed of myself as well.

I feel so shitty (excuse my language), that I can tell people who ask me for financial advice how to invest their money, or save their money and whatnot, and I can't even follow my own damn advice!!!!

UGH!
I can honestly say, right now, that I am a total freaking dipwad!
I mean...come on...
If you can't take your own advice, what the hell?!?!?!

I made excuses for the junk food...."Oh, once a week won't hurt me or break the bank."
And then it did....
I was too tired to cook, too busy to cook, or simply just craving the yummies that have kicked my butt in the past.

I have realized some things as well.
I have an obsession with food.
Even more so, I have an obsession with buying food.
Like, to me, not having food, and being hungry is the worst thing I can imagine.
I love to cook, and try my best to cook and eat healthy, but sometimes I would tell myself that someone else was cooking, so I didn't have to.
Food is sometimes my best friend, and my worst enemy all wrapped up in a shiny foil wrapper that says "EAT ME!" on it.

When I was working out, and eating better, the obsession turned kinda into good. I was making better choices in what I ate, watching what I ate, and cutting way way down on the stuff that would make the weight that much harder to lose.
I wasn't depriving myself of some of my cravings, but I was eating one cookie instead of the 4 or 5 I usually would.
I would drink a diet soda if I wanted some caffiene.
I would go for the healthier snacks, instead of the carb/sugar/fat loaded ones.
And it worked for me.

This recent behavior is NOT acceptable to me anymore.
I'm tired of feeling like and looking like a beached whale.
While I do care if people look at me and think, "Wow, she's pretty and good lookin", that doesn't matter to me as much as how I feel about myself.

I've struggled for many many years with this crap, and at 28, I'm so tired of it!
I don't want to die of a heart attack at 32 like someone I know. I don't want to live in fear of the possible illnesses that will probably creep up on me anyway.
I don't want to be 49 years old and in renal failure because I didn't take care of the diabetes.
I don't want to, and I'm not going to dammit!

It's hard to hold myself accountable, but I have to.
My life depends on it...

So, my price of pain is $500....
What is yours?

My 101 List

So, I was doing my blog reading today, and I saw this over at my friend Michael's (thetravelinghotel.blogspot.com) blog....So I figured I would do my own list too!

Here goes!


Health:
1) Weigh below 200 lbs
2) To get in shape, physically, mentally and spiritually
3) To participate in the Walk for Breast Cancer in 2010
4) To get my knees to feeling better
5) To stop smoking
6) To stop eating junk food
7) To finally figure out what my blood type is
8) To have a complete physical and work up on all my labs so I know what needs to be fixed
9) To drink more water
10) To give up soda, starting with one month, then work up to getting rid of it FOREVER!
11) To go for a walk uphill and not be as winded.
12) To lose the second chin
13) To lose the belly
14) To support one other person in becoming healthy
15) To try at least 5-10 new foods that are good for me

Learn to:
16) To learn another language, fluently-maybe Spanish or Italian
17) To learn how to do a cable stitch in knitting
18) To learn how to crochet
19) To build my own moped
20) To learn to play the guitar
21) To learn how to use light and scenery for photography
22) To someday be a little more knowledgable about cars
23) To learn more about myself
24) To be able to cook a gourmet meal for my family
25) To learn even more things about computers and how to fix them
26) To learn Ballroom Dancing
27) To be able to draw/paint murals
28) To become a travel writer
29) To learn to trust more people

Travel:
30) To finish out my 50 states with South Dakota, Alaska and Hawaii
31) To see and explore Toronto, Ontario
32) To visit Lake Louise/Banff National Park
33) To visit Italy
34) To visit Ireland
35) To visit Greece
36) To go to the Jemez Hotsprings in Jemez, NM
37) To someday go back to Albuquerque for a visit, and maybe move there!
38) To go to Nova Scotia
39) To see the Grand Canyon
40) To go on a cruise to Antigua
41) To visit Australia
42) To travel with someone I love, and who loves me and loves to travel
43) To go camping either in a tent, or out under the stars with someone I love
44) To visit Africa
45) To visit New York City and wander around all the stores and Central Park
46) To stop on road trips at least once during the trip to read historical markers
47) To visit the Mediterranean
48) To go down to South Padre for a weekend
49) To see London
50) To see Paris
51) To go on a train ride in the Canadian Rockies

Feel good stuff:
52) To help build a house for "Habitat for Humanity"
53) To get my savings built back up again
54) To get back into school
55) To make a wish come true
56) To one day teach someone how to be a better person.
57) To volunteer at a food bank
58) To be a mentor to someone
59) To volunteer at a college to help teach adults life skills, for free
60) To volunteer to read to children at a library
61) To be a secret Santa for a family in need
62) To stand up in Church and thank God for what I do have

Family:
63) To get married
64) To bless my parents with grandchildren
65) To be the best parent I can be to my children
66) To play dress up with Lola, and toss a baseball to Deacon when he's bigger
67) To be the best sister, daughter, niece, and cousin I can be
68) To teach my kids different things and see their faces light up when they "get it"
69) To one day be the kind of parent that my kids can come to me about ANYTHING
70) To have a happy, healthy family
71) To give my kids everything their hearts desire, while teaching them that what they have gotten, they have worked for, and will not take it for granted
72) To give my future husband a loving wife and mother to his children
73) To have 2 kids, a dog and a house full of laughter

Easy Stuff:
74) To clean my house
75) To see the volcanoes of Hawaii
76) To learn how to play more card games
77) To have fun and work hard
78) To be proud of myself, but not prideful
79) To have everything I ever wanted, even if I have to work harder for it
80) To build a snowman
81) To put a ping pong ball in a popcorn popper and see if it bounces or blows up!
82) To find a email buddy in a country I have never been to
83) To milk a cow
84) To ride a motorcycle
85) To finish those baby blankets I've been working on sporadically for the past two years

Try once:
86) To go surfing
87) To ride an elephant
88) To drive a race car at Texas Motor Speedway
89) To drive a train
90) To ride a moped
91) To fly a plane
92) To climb a tree
93) To go dumpster diving
94) To enter something I made into a contest

Scary Thoughts:
95) To fall off of something high
96) To get back into school...but I will do it!
97) To lose the one I love
98) To get a tattoo
99) To have a baby
100) To die
101) To forgive someone from my past

Sometimes you just have to hug a puppy....

So today, after I got done at school and with something else I had to do, I went over to Half Price Books and got some stuff to read.
After I paid for my books, and was walking out to the car, I figured I would go take a look around Petland to look at the puppies.

I went in, and was looking at the puppies, and then I saw her...
The most beautiful little girl in the world....
White with dark brown spots, and a little spot of tan on her bottom.

I asked if I could hold her.
I had to wait a few minutes, but when the girl brought that puppy from her kennel it was like heaven.

This puppy was so cute!
The girl at the store was telling me that this puppy had been there a while, and was 15 weeks old.
How could anyone not want this wonderful, beautiful spotted Double Dapple Daschund is beyond me.

I asked how much she was, to kinda get an idea, and the girl told me that due to this puppy being there a while, her price had been reduced.

Oh how I wish I had a better job, and was done with school, and had the money for her, her supplies and the pet deposit at my apartment. I would have brought her home with me right then!

I love daschunds.
They're smart, funny, loyal and very very loving companions.
They know when you feel bad, and they know when you are happy, and they just seem to know just when you need your face licked the most.

This one...wow...
I felt so bad...
She didn't want me to put her down, and when I reluctantly gave her back to the girl at the store, this cute baby licked my nose, my lips and my cheek, and put her little tiny paws on my hands to say "bye bye".

This evening I was looking online, and I found www.drna.org

I sat reading some of the information, as well as some of the tributes to these babies and cried my eyes out, yet still laughing at some of the funny memories that families have had of their little buddies.

I have decided, that when the time is right for me, I am getting a daschund.
I prefer a puppy, but will look into rescue as well, as some of the dogs on the Daschund Rescue North America site just need someone to love and care for them.

I did find this little poem too, that really made me cry and smile.

I AM DACHSHUND
I see life from a different perspective.
In spite of my size I'm very protective.
I'm brave and loyal and very smart
I'll worm my way into your heart.
You'll wonder how you lived before,
Without me there to clean your floor.
To brighten your life and make your day
And let you know when its time to play.
I'm ankle high but very long
And I can tell when something's wrong
I'll do my best to dry your tears
And help you face the things you fear
And if the time should ever come
When I can't walk, much less run,
I know that you will be right there
And every night you'll say a prayer
I may get better, or maybe not
But we'll be together, no matter what!
And I can still make you smile
And you will know its all worthwhile.
Remember, I am brave and strongI will learn how to get along.
I am dachshund!
Hear me roar!
Now, can we PLEASE go play some more?

Author Unknown

A Little Quiet Time Today...

I woke up this morning with a tummy ache and nausea, and just could not roll myself out of bed without wanting to give the diaphragm an old "heave ho", so I called in sick to work and left a message on the call in/weather line and my supervisor's voice mail that I wouldn't be in today, and I'd like to use 8 hours of my accrued sick time.

Then I rolled back over and slept til noon, and when I got up, I was still kinda queasy, but not as bad as I had been earlier this morning.

I think not eating anything yesterday until I went to Taco Bueno for some nachos last night after work did not agree with me all, or it could be that every time I go to this one particular Taco Bueno, I do not notice, until after the first bite of salsa, that it tastes fermented....YUCK!

I've been under a lot of stress lately as well...both work and self induced, and I just really needed some quiet time today.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and worrying and praying lately that God will show me the path for my life.
I've been wanting to get back into school, and the school I want to go to takes ten months to finish a career program.
I can handle the school, that's no problem with me.
The thing is, I've been TRYING to scrape together the application/seat hold fee, and it's been really bothering me that even though I am saving money in other areas of my finances, I just cannot save up even $100 for the application fee because something else always seems to pop up.

So, today, while I was laying about, being a little lazy, and a little sick, I got started thinking.

There are still changes I need to make in my life, and going to school is one of the big ones.
I am currently applying for a second job right now to help bring in some extra cash for a few months or so.
I hate having to feel like I keep putting school off even more, but money is extra tight these days, and as much as I hate to admit it, as frugal as I am, I don't have much of a savings account.


I have a lock box, to which the key has long been lost, but I'm sure I could get on the manufacture website and order another key.
I might just have to save up my money the way I did when I first moved out here and lock it up in the lockbox.
Of course, it's a LOT harder to do that when you live on your own and have other expenses that are important to take care of.

I've just really really been praying lately for God to show me a way, a sign, something that will help me to further my education, as well as my life, and I haven't seen or heard it yet.
I know I should continue to be patient, but sometimes I feel like the deadlines are getting closer, and that I cannot handle how fast they are coming up on me.
I know the school will be there, even if it takes me a while to save up a measly $100, but as far as work and life goes, it's getting pretty frustrating right now.

I know in a few weeks or so, things will be a little better, and this storm will have passed, but when it's thundering all around you, it's kinda hard to sit still and listen.

I'm just tired of being worried and stressed about stuff that no one should really have to stress over, but that IS part of being an adult.

People have told me that they wish they could go back to being a kid again.
Why?

I don't...
As much as life seems to get me down, and how huge the responsibilities of adulthood seem to be, I would rather NOT go back to being a kid.
That would mean, to me, that I would have to hang up my car keys, turn in my apartment key and go back to having to depend on someone else for my livelihood, and I absolutely REFUSE to do that...

I've been told that I'm sometimes TOO independent for my own good, but then again, I've always been taught that I can only really depend on myself, and that I must hold myself accountable for my actions and reactions because no one else will take the fall for me if I screw up.

Boy am I ever learning that these days...
I am learning who to lean on when I need them.
I am learning who to trust in this crazy backstabbing world.
I am learning that sometimes, it's okay to ask for help, and that I shouldn't feel ashamed for being in a tough spot at times.
I am learning that there are people out there that are true friends, and that there are people out there that truly love me and care for me and would do anything to help me realize that.
I am learning that I must love myself or nothing else matters...

I am learning that even though my past experiences may have put undue stress on me, and that people in my past have hurt me, I need to not compare those experiences and people to the people and things that are in my life at this present point in time.

I am learning that I can do whatever I damn well set my mind to, and that NO ONE has the right or the authority to tell me that I can't be what and who I want to be.
(of course, the law says I can't be a speed demon on the highway, or kill or steal or anything like that, and I'm okay with that; likewise, my job tells me what I need to do to keep working there, and as much as I don't like it sometimes, I know it keeps whatever money floating in to my bank account so I just have to suck it up and take it...)

I am also learning how to ask for help with the things I need help with.

I am learning that I need to take care of myself, health, body and mind, because I do not want to die at a young age of a completely preventable/treatable disease.

I am learning that while wanting to be rich is okay, I would much rather be comfortable, have everything I need and people who love me and whom I love all around me than having the latest gadget.

I am learning that God challenges us to make us stronger, and Satan challenges us to make us fall, and we all have to decide if we will sink or swim.


Anyhow...There was my quiet time today....
:D

I have a confession to make....

Sometimes, when I want someting sweet, I will get a spoon and get a spoonful of canned frosting and just lick it off the spoon until the sweet craving goes away.

Yes...I keep a plastic can of white frosting with rainbow sprinkles in it in my fridge for just that very craving.

And yes, I am weird...But hey, the frosting lasts FOREVER!!!

Also, in a pinch, I will freeze CoolWhip and eat it like ice cream.

That is all!

Proud to be from Lubbock

Tonight, after a day of just chilling out and taking a nap and "blurking" I found this video on a blog of a girl who married a guy I graduated high school with, and I just felt I had to share it here.

I was born in Lubbock, Texas at Methodist Hospital (way way before it became Covenant and Methodist and St. Mary's merged together under the corporate name Covenant.)

I was raised on the southern almost outskirts of Lubbock, 12 blocks away from the city limit sign, and went to Lubbock Cooper ISD my whole life; kindergarten through my senior year of high school.

My friends and I were bored at times, we always complained that there was nothing to do in Lubbock.
I suppose there really isn't if you're not able to drive yourself around, or aren't old enough to get into the "cool" places.

When you live in Lubbock, born and raised, I think there is a period of time that you wonder what the big city (Dallas or Houston) will be like, and you want nothing more to get out of the supposed "one horse town" that Lubbock sometimes seems like it is.

I spent 18 years trying to get out. LOL!
I finally moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico when I was 18, and while I feel there is no other place like the Duke City, and would love to go back and live again someday, I moved back to Lubbock to marry my high school sweetheart.
That didn't work out, and I moved out to Dallas to stay with my parents for a while, where I worked and lived in the DFW metroplex until I started driving a truck and got to see other places on my own as well.

I lived in Kansas for almost two years, and while the Kansas City area had some good things about it, it definitely wasn't somewhere that ended up me calling it "HOME" forever.

I moved back to Dallas in 2006, and have been so glad to be back in Texas since then.

I used to think, "Gosh, I pity the people from Lubbock who will never leave", and sometimes I still do.

Take it from someone who was born and raised in a smaller city like Lubbock, who got out on her own and saw the world to know what it's like to really kinda appreciate the roots she was grown from.

I still kinda pity the people who will never leave Lubbock, even for a weekend trip to Dallas, Houston, Austin, San Antonio etc.
But then I realize that these people are simply just happy living in a town where you can get from one side to the other, with traffic lights in about 25 minutes flat.
I realize now that Lubbock is big enough for someone to remain anonymous, yet small enough to run into AT LEAST one person you know at the mall, or at the grocery store, or in public.

I'm happy I'm in Dallas now, and probably wouldn't trade it for anything or anywhere (well, except Albuquerque) unless a really good job was waiting for me there, but I am happy that I was raised in a place like Lubbock.

All my life I wanted to attend Texas Tech, and even have, in my possession an acceptance letter from them dated March 1999, and would probably stayed in Lubbock had I been allowed to attend Tech.
I am proud of my Red Raiders!

I am proud to have met some of my best friends in Lubbock, and while a few of us are long gone, the friendship isn't, and I'm thankful I had Lubbock to help me make those friends.

So...here's the video...
It highlights some of the area industries, talent and just the general South Plains area....
Enjoy!

Murphy's Law and Market Street!

What a day it has been today...
I had set my alarm to get up and go walk for a bit at the gym, and I vaguely remember hearing the alarm go off once, and I (being the usual me) hit the snooze a time or two and dozed back off into dreamland for another few minutes.

Well, I woke up a while later, looked at my watch and said "Oh crap!"
I slept through the gym, so I figured, "What the heck, it's DANG cold out, I overslept, I'll just go after work tomorrow."
This is when I realized that it was extremely cold in my apartment, and then I realize that I hadn't heard the heater kick on in a while. There are a few people who know how cold it gets in my apartment in the winter, so I didn't think much of it, other than thinking I really need to call the office here and get them to call the power company to come and check my meter, and for the maintenance guys to check my heater.
For a second, I figured that maybe I just hadn't heard it, and that it would kick back on in a few minutes, so I hauled my sleepy self out of bed to go take a quick shower, throw on some jeans, sneakers and a long sleeve shirt and brave the 5 minute commute to work.


I go into the bathroom, flip the switch, and NOTHING!
I turn it off, turn it back on...Still nothing...
Of course, this sends me into "WHAT THE HELL?!?!" mode, so I run back into the bedroom to check the clock, and sure enough it's off too.
I had a few moments of semi panic, thinking, they couldn't have cut off my electric because I owe $45...
So, I get my phone, I call the retail electric company (retail electric...gotta love it) and call them up to check my account status.
The girl on the phone tells me that there is nothing wrong on my account, that I do owe $45 or so, and that there will be a charge of $24 on my next bill.
I asked her what for, and she told me that $4 of that would be a late charge, and that $20 of it is for them mailing me a disconnect letter when I got a little behind last month.

Here comes another "WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!" moment, and I was like, "But I paid the balance before the date on the letter?!"
She proceeded to tell me that since they sent out a letter, they charge $20 for it..."WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!" again...

In all my experience, I have NEVER heard of this, and I proceeded to gripe about how they want to charge me to have my meter looked at, and all sorts of other crap, that since I live in an apartment, I REFUSE to pay for! The apartment complex, I believe, should take care of that if I request it...At least that's what I think.

Also, in my experience, I have never had to pay a reconnect fee unless the power has actually been shut off due to delinquent payments....never have I had a fee just for them printing some ink on a piece of paper and the stamp and envelope it comes in...
Who knew the price of ink, paper and metered mail would cost $20...
Sheesh!

So...I called my power "delivery" company, where I proceeded to find out that there was a known outtage in South Lewisville, and the estimated repair time was two hours...

GREAT!
I didn't have two hours...I had 30 minutes!
So, I sent my wonderful Aunt Karen a text message, telling her what was going on, and asked if I could run over to her house to take a shower.
I couldn't just put cold water on my hair and then comb it down...Personal hygiene is a MUST for me, ya know!

So, I got dressed, grabbed the few things I needed, one of my bath towels and jumped in the car and ran over to Coppell.

Got my nice warm shower, got out and was dressed in about 3 minutes flat...
Said bye to my fur buddy Mikey, and ran out the door and jumped in the car again.

I made it to work, after stopping for my morning soda, about 40 minutes late, but it just kinda couldn't be helped.

Shoot, had I been able to wear a hat to work on casual day, I would have just thrown a hat on, washed up with ICE COLD water and went for it...
But alas, no hats allowed at "Uptight Land" so I had to do it the right way....

On a little bit of a lighter note though...
Market Street (United) is now open in Coppell!!!!!!!
I went over there the other night and got a few things to make dinner with after I went and got firewood from Aunt Karen, and so today on my lunch break, I went over there to grab lunch...

YUMMY Adobo panini, fresh cut fruit salad and a drink for $6.49!!!

And better yet, I don't have to shop at ghetto Kroger anymore!!

I have SO missed my United in all the years I have been here and other places, and I am SO SO happy that such a great store and company have another home in the DFW area!
Born and raised on United...I'm such a United snob I guess!

WOOHOO!!!!

I mean, out of all the grocery stores I have been to all across the country, United, to me is BY FAR the best!
Not many places will carry out your groceries and load them in the car without an attitude or acting like they are too good to give that little extra bit of customer service!

I mean, when I was in Kansas, I LOVED Hy-Vee, and I do like Tom Thumb around here, but HOORAY United!

(ok, ok...I know...enough of my obessive United ravings!)

So...
If anyone reading this is in the Lewisville/Coppell area, and wants a new grocery store to try, I highly recommend giving this one a shot...
Hey, I've already recommended it to a lady at work!